Thursday, October 28, 2004

Overcoming fear of commitment

Overcoming fear of commitment

By Bob Garon
TODAY Newspaper
Wednesday, October 27, 2004 10:00 PM

Another tactic that men use when they feel threatened by a woman whom they fear might be difficult to control is the delay. They come up with all sorts of excuses.

They say they are not ready and cite a thousand and one reasons. The truth, however, is that they find difficulty in making

a commitment and taking the plunge.

Men have many delusions about themselves. They believe they are the stronger sex. When they meet a woman who is very talented, who has brighter personality and who is more successful, their delusions about themselves can explode. So they suddenly feel vulnerable and threatened when the time comes to commit for a lifetime. They don’t relish the prospect of playing second fiddle to a woman.

Another tactic that guys use to keep a woman at arm’s length is to tell her that he has strong doubts about remaining faithful. This might be true if he is a bona fide womanizer and sex addict. But then, even if he isn’t, he might use this strategy to cause the woman to hesitate and eventually back off.

Then you will find men who are ready to give up a relationship because they feel that love has lost its luster. They feel that the level of their love has fallen and that it cannot rise anymore. So they use this as a reason to delay or even break off the relationship. They can-

not seem to accept that in love there are rainy days when love doesn’t shine brightly. They see every bump in the road as a mountain to climb. Men are, in general, less disposed to work hard at a relationship. Women are ready to put a whole lot more into it than are the men. When men sense a temporary fall in the intensity of love, they put up their hands and walk away instead of putting their hands to work.

This fear of losing autonomy is experienced differently by men and depends on many factors. The expression “tie the knot” is scary for most men who value their independence. They fear their loss of freedom will not be worth the paybacks of a committed relationship.

The worst thing a woman can do is to make a man she loves and hopes to marry feel like he will get tied down after the wedding.

Commitment that is sincere and true always results in dramatic changes in one’s lifestyle. It redirects one’s focus and causes a person to make a number of trade-offs, some of which will be painful indeed. The move from the single state to that of a committed married man is huge. It’s scary too even if a guy is madly in love.The fear of intimacy and the fear of losing autonomy are clearly linked. Men fear that if they become too intimate, they could get sucked into a deeper relationship than they bargained for which could result in a loss of freedom. Besides, the fear of intimacy could also expose many of the weaknesses they have worked hard to hide.

Unless a man is at peace with himself and accepts his true self, he will fear intimacy and possible rejection. Only the man who has a healthy self-image and possesses strong self-esteem is ready to satisfy the requirements of meaningful intimacy.


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