Friday, October 08, 2004

Love is meant to heal, not hurt

Love is meant to heal, not hurt

By Bob Garon
TODAY Newspaper
Thursday, October 7, 2004 11:40 PM

Couples in love do not always behave in loving ways. In fact, they are often downright unloving in their manners.

Like when it comes to teasing and having fun at the beloved’s expense. Men who tease the woman about her weight and do it over and over again are throwing darts at her heart. Or when she reminds him of an embarrassing moment in the past.

They would never dare do this in the early stages of courtship because if they did the relationship would be over quickly. We love in order to heal, not to have more wounds inflicted upon us. When we commit to someone, we do so because we expect to be respected, not demeaned and ridiculed.

Still, lovers hurt each other as they become more comfortable and familiar with each other. As they get closer and more confident of each other’s love, they become bolder and are more likely to risk offending the beloved. The old saying, “familiarity breeds contempt” is applicable to couples whose love is dying. Couples still in love, however, have moments when contempt flares up momentarily.

Hopefully, these times are few and far between. Still, they are moments of contempt (definition: “the state of one who has lost esteem”) and they undoubtedly cause a relationship to weaken.

This kind of teasing and making fun at the partner’s expense is most often an expression of anger that is thinly veiled. The more a couple’s love is on a downward slide, the more often are the darts thrown.

If we love deeply, we don’t want to hurt the beloved. The deeper the love, the greater the hesitation to hurt. The weaker the love, the easier it is to inflict pain, either directly or indirectly by sniping and unwanted teasing.

This is so especially when the one on the receiving end asks the tormentor to stop, but to no avail. The sniping can go on for years. It is used as a weapon to hurt, to humiliate and to score points.

What it also does, however, is stick another needle in an already suffering heart. If you love a person deeply, you cannot stand by watching the beloved suffer, much less be the one inflicting the pain. When, however, love is falling, you can more readily witness the suffering of the beloved. And when love has sunk into the depths, then the lover becomes the willing tormentor and hurt is inflicted with little remorse.

So be on the lookout for these signs of a sick or dying love. The more heartless and insensitive the teasing and the unwanted remarks are, the greater the chances that love is taking a serious hit and the more concerned you must be about a tragedy in the making.


Post a Comment

<< Home