Wednesday, February 02, 2005

When love is new

When love is new

By Bob Garon
TODAY Newspaper
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 12:21 AM

First of two parts

Perhaps the greatest effort that two new lovers exert is in trying hard to impress each other. New lovers don’t trust each other enough to be themselves. Their love has not yet taken strong-enough root to allow them to see the negative traits and feel comfortable about them. There is fear that if the beloved knows the ugly truth, it could end the relationship in the wink of an eye.

All valid concerns. When love is new, it is fragile and can easily be shaken to its core. This is why there is so much tension to be found in new love, along with the obvious thrills and excitement.

The problem lies in being honest with each other. Honesty is scary when you worry about the beloved being able to handle a revelation that could become the reason for a breakup. This is why new lovers agonize over whether to open up matters that could be controversial even if they are important.

Lovers know that if they are to be fair, they should reveal certain realities that could turn off the beloved. When they don’t do so and the partner learns about it anyway from another source, there is a measure of disappointment and a loss of credibility. When asked why the truth was not opened up, the inevitable answer is “I was afraid to lose you.”

That surely is true. It is this fear of losing the beloved that causes lovers to lie, deny and minimize. Somehow they hope that given more time for their love to deepen, the relationship will stand a better chance of surviving.

They are correct… up to a point. Lying and dancing around the truth might give a lover more time, but the price to be paid will be high. Assuming that the relationship survives, the playing around with the truth will cause a measure of doubt in the mind of the beloved. The question will undoubtedly arise: “What else is he/she not saying?”

These doubts will give rise to an uneasiness about the sincerity of the loved one. Perhaps love has intensified enough to keep the relationship from crashing, but then maybe it has not. Many lovers cannot handle the lies and decide to walk away rather than deal with them. Others hope against hope that this dishonesty (that’s what it is, even in love) is going to be a one-shot deal and won’t be repeated. Regardless, the issue of telling the truth in the early stages of love is one of the most common concerns of new lovers.

I personally believe that the truth, even the ugly truth, should not be played with. There is nothing that shakes up a relationship more than lying.

Sincerity is the foundation of loving. Dishonesty is the direct opposite of sincerity. The lover who lies and then claims that his lie is sincere isn’t believable.

More Tomorrow


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