Hopeless relationships: a checklist
Hopeless relationships: a checklist
By Bob Garon
TODAY Newspaper
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 12:13 AM
Love is a many splendored thing,” says the song. But it can also be hell on earth when it goes wrong. The happiest people on the planet are those who are madly in love.
The most miserable, however, are those whose love has crashed.
Amazingly, there are people who get themselves into love relationships that are living hells and, instead of finding ways out, choose to go on in these toxic relationships. It is perplexing to loved ones and friends why these people don’t get out, why they cannot seem to break away when common sense clearly indicates that things will never work out and will only get a lot worse.
A group of therapists have worked out a questionnaire that will indicate if you are one of those persons. Remember that most of these people do not think that they are into hopeless relationships even if the rest of the world is convinced that it is so. Hence, the need for an index to help you and your loved ones to make a case and open the eyes of those who keep loving when love has no chance at all.
Here is the list. The more yes answers you give, the more likely it is that you are one of these persons who are into these kinds of hopeless relationships.
1. Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even though they are long gone?
2. Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?
3. Do you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you?
4. Do you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive?
5. Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?
6. Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?
7. Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?
8. Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?
9. Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?
10. Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?
11. Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?
12. Do you attract untrustworthy people?
13. Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?
14. Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?
15 Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?
16. When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance in a relationship, do you continue to expect people to follow through anyway?
17. Do you have repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody?
18. Do you find that others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not?
19. Do you obsess about showing someone that they are wrong about you, your relationship, or their treatment of you?
20. Do you feel stuck because you know what the other is doing is destructive but you believe you cannot do anything about it?
21. Do you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others?
22. Do you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?
23. Does someone’s talents, charisma, or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive, or degrading acts?
24. Do you find you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?
25. Do you find yourself missing a relationship even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you?
26. Are extraordinary demands placed on you to measure up as a way to cover up exploitation?
27. Do you keep secret someone’s destructive behavior because of all of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career?
28. Does your relationship have contacts or promises that have been broken which you are asked to overlook?
29. Are you attracted to “dangerous” people?
30. Do you stay in a relationship longer than you should?
* * *
If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or 8251771 or, e-mail me at gvcbuenca@ vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 mcpo, Makati City
By Bob Garon
TODAY Newspaper
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 12:13 AM
Love is a many splendored thing,” says the song. But it can also be hell on earth when it goes wrong. The happiest people on the planet are those who are madly in love.
The most miserable, however, are those whose love has crashed.
Amazingly, there are people who get themselves into love relationships that are living hells and, instead of finding ways out, choose to go on in these toxic relationships. It is perplexing to loved ones and friends why these people don’t get out, why they cannot seem to break away when common sense clearly indicates that things will never work out and will only get a lot worse.
A group of therapists have worked out a questionnaire that will indicate if you are one of those persons. Remember that most of these people do not think that they are into hopeless relationships even if the rest of the world is convinced that it is so. Hence, the need for an index to help you and your loved ones to make a case and open the eyes of those who keep loving when love has no chance at all.
Here is the list. The more yes answers you give, the more likely it is that you are one of these persons who are into these kinds of hopeless relationships.
1. Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even though they are long gone?
2. Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?
3. Do you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you?
4. Do you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive?
5. Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?
6. Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?
7. Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?
8. Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?
9. Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?
10. Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?
11. Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?
12. Do you attract untrustworthy people?
13. Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?
14. Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?
15 Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?
16. When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance in a relationship, do you continue to expect people to follow through anyway?
17. Do you have repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody?
18. Do you find that others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not?
19. Do you obsess about showing someone that they are wrong about you, your relationship, or their treatment of you?
20. Do you feel stuck because you know what the other is doing is destructive but you believe you cannot do anything about it?
21. Do you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others?
22. Do you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?
23. Does someone’s talents, charisma, or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive, or degrading acts?
24. Do you find you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?
25. Do you find yourself missing a relationship even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you?
26. Are extraordinary demands placed on you to measure up as a way to cover up exploitation?
27. Do you keep secret someone’s destructive behavior because of all of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career?
28. Does your relationship have contacts or promises that have been broken which you are asked to overlook?
29. Are you attracted to “dangerous” people?
30. Do you stay in a relationship longer than you should?
* * *
If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or 8251771 or, e-mail me at gvcbuenca@ vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 mcpo, Makati City
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